even if we can't find heaven * sunstar ceremony (closed)

[[:ripples:]]

♥ Sundapple, deputy of windclan

THE COLD SHOCK of the moonstone on her nose reverberated through her body as she opened her eyes into the starry field of StarClan's dream world. She had been to the highstones with her sister, and she had glimpsed into the cavern that had swallowed them whole just moments before, but never had she looked with awe into the glistening stone with the power of the stars. She had been perplexed enough when Fallenstar asked her to come into the cave instead of standing guard outside while he convened with the stars himself, but the shock of waking up in the other world of StarClan was enough to distract her, if only for a moment.

AS THE SHOCK WANED, her mind began to clamor again with the why of what had happened. Fallenstar had been extremely evasive on their journey about its purpose, citing that there was business with StarClan that they needed to attend to, and insisting that it was absolutely essential that she be there. She had argued that it might be best for he and Duskfeather to go alone, but he had been firm- what kind of deputy didn't obey her leader? On the way, he had yammered on about the things that needed to be done in the clan, how the warriors and apprentices were doing, who was struggling and needed help, the kind of things they talked about all the time. He spoke about the recent captures of so many cats by humans, and how Longstar had left as ShadowClan's leader, and Sootstar's disappearance, thought to be most certainly the work of the twolegs... but every time she questioned him whether that was the reason, he sidestepped it. He also talked about joy, and the future, and more than a few times mentioned his mate, Soundwave, his voice going soft each time he spoke of her. It must be hard to be separated from your love, she thought to herself as he mused on her.

SHE FOUND HIS SHAPE beside her, and his eyes seemed bright with joy and hope. He called out to their ancestors. Everything became a slow-motion blur as he finally divulged the reason they had come. He was leaving. Soundwave was outside waiting for him. He was abdicating leadership to finally live in happiness with his mate in the only way they could- far away from the clans. She watched in horror as the warriors of StarClan stripped the lives from him- gently, but she could see each life as it was carried off, a flash of brightness that then faded. She would have expected him to look exhausted, drained, by the time he was down to the life that he had started with, but instead his eyes burned with joy and relief. The difficulties of the last several seasons came back to her, the pain they had been through. While she couldn't help but feel betrayed, she also felt a hint of understanding- for so long, Fallenstar had put his clan and his duty first. Finally, he was putting his heart above all else.

HE TURNED TO HER, smiles on his face, in his eyes, and in his heart. His joy was not dampened by the look of obvious horror she must have had on her face. "I'm sorry to spring this on you, but I knew you would argue if I told you. Don't doubt yourself. You are going to be a fantastic leader." He beamed at her, looking behind him as if seeing Soundwave, who waited for him just beyond this dream "Sunstar." He whispered and touched his nose to hers. She closed her eyes, trying to think of what to say, how to say it, but when she opened her eyes, he was gone.

...To Be Continued...

even if we can't find heaven,
i'll walk through hell with you

[[:ripples:]]

♥ Sundapple, deputy of windclan

SHE BLINKED, looking out into the darkness lit by faint stars. For the first time it occurred to her that StarClan seemed emptier than she had imagined. The abyss that stretched before her was not the welcoming and warm embrace of the stars, but a distant wave. She took a deep breath, waiting for someone to appear. She was about to speak when she saw their dim shapes begin to take form, at first only unidentifiable wisps, like the warriors that had stripped Fallenstar of his extra lives, but soon enough she began to recognize the shapes of those she knew and loved. Her parents, Hailstorm and Rainleap. Gorsepaw and Hareleap, her former apprentices; Owlkit, the brother who she and Duskfeather had lost. Sparrowstar and Loonberry standing a bit further off than the rest. Her parents and Owlkit bounded to her and wrapped her in an embrace that felt much like that of the wind, soft and ephemeral but with the comforting warmth of glistening sunbeams on the moor. Hareleap and Gorsepaw joined in, everyone headbutting her in greeting. Loonberry and Sparrowstar approached, smiling warmly. It was not the grandiosity that past generations could have expected, but in that moment, Sundapple felt that she had received more than she could ever ask for- her parents, her brother, her apprentices, happy in StarClan- she looked around and noted the absence of Embergaze, and felt her heart leap with hope that her former mentor and close confidant and friend was still out there somewhere, that he might one day make his way back to the clan.

“WE MUST BEGIN. There isn’t much time.” Sparrowstar’s familiar voice made her ache with memories of her youth- it was no longer cracked and tired from the wear of the woes of WindClan, but strong and youthful, that of a leader that Sundapple couldn’t remember a time before- once the oldest leader in all the forest. When she looked up, Sparrowstar caught her gaze- kindness and understanding in her smile, that of someone who knew the responsibility that Sundapple would soon shoulder. The collection of cats settled into a small, tight circle, fit less for the grandiose and more for the intimate, The old leader broke their gaze as Loonberry began to speak.

“SUNDAPPLE, I WATCHED YOU grow from an untroubled youth to a victim of terrible loss. I watched as tragedy tore your family apart, and I have watched as you and Duskfeather continue to pick up the pieces to build something new and sacred together. I will watch as you go forth into a fractured forest and work to pick up the pieces. With this life, I give you Healing- the power to heal the invisible wounds and cracks in the relationships of those around you, to bring clarity and growth through the pain of loss, and to heal the divisions between the four clans. Let your leadership be that which brings healing to the forest.” He leaned forward to touch her nose and she felt the life rush into her- warm, invigorating, like a burst of energy pulsing from her heart and out through the rest of her body, and reverberating out around her, touching first those closest to her and finally to all beings. She inhaled, and smiled back at Loonberry, the cat who had mentored his sister until he had disappeared on a mission of healing for a cat he did not even know. His eyes were wise and kind. “Say hello to Duskfeather.” He mewed before dipping his head.

...To Be Continued...

hands, put your empty hands in mine
and scars, show me all the scars you hide

[[:ripples:]]

♥ Sundapple, deputy of windclan

BEFORE THE WARMTH of the last life had ebbed from her senses, Sundapple saw Sparrowstar straighten herself and take a breath. The old WindClan leader had always had a strong presence, and that had not changed in death. The small golden tabby wondered if she would ever be able to command half of the respect of her predecessor. As if reading her mind, Sparrowstar fixed her with an intense gaze.

“SUNDAPPLE. I LED WINDCLAN for many moons. I made the decisions as you and your contemporaries came of age. I led us through the dark days of the fire and saw the fractures in the forest during my tenure. I chose Fallenstar as my deputy, though I knew that the choice would be controversial.” She paused, as if waiting for a reply, but then went on. “With this life, I give you Certainty- the resolve to have faith in your instincts, even if those around you doubt your actions. To bring healing to the forest, you must have faith in what you know as truth, and you must not allow your mind to betray you, even when it feels that you are standing alone. Let your decisions made as leader be carefully weighed, and do not doubt your ability to choose what is best for your clan.“ As Sparrowstar bent and touched her nose, the life crashed into her. At first it was chaos, the feeling of being ripped apart, as if she might be riven into many parts by many voices pulling her many ways- and then, a sense of resolve, of feeling herself gather from the chaos and take her own direction. A feeling of knowing what is right without doubt.

“THE LIVES WE GIVE YOU are selected based on what we believe you will need to take care of your clan, our clan. Let certainty in your own abilities ease your journey.” As she dipped her head, Hareleap, still young and in his prime, puffed up a bit, his face beaming. He had been a junior warrior when he had been killed in the fire that ripped through WindClan, and had succumbed after helping to rescue the kits and elders that needed help making it out of camp. He had been Sundapple’s first apprentice. He cleared his throat, eyes shining.

”SUNDAPPLE, YOU TRAINED ME to be a warrior. You taught me the ways of the code and the clan. You nurtured my curiosity and sharpened my abilities. You helped to instill in me the loyalty and sense of duty that saved so many of us on that horrible night…” He drifted off for a moment. ”Do not blame yourself for my death. I died saving my fellow clan mates. Without my actions, many young cats in the clan today might have been lost.” She could see the pride in his eyes as he remembered his actions. He did not regret it, in spite of his paying the ultimate price for his clan. ”With this life, I give you Courage- the bravery to stand up for the weak, the othered, the lost. Courage to stand up for yourself so that when you are certain of your decisions you can defend them. The courage to reach out to those who may seem closed off. The courage to take a risk when it is needed. Let your leadership be courageous enough to bring forth the changes that need to be made, and to reach beyond comfort to find solutions.” The thin young warrior leaned forward to touch his nose to hers, and she felt the life scream into her like fire. She was burning up, like the WindClan camp that night, full of fear and panic, building and building until it sent her into an upward spiral of terror. As she felt she might faint, she felt a sense of calm come over her. She was still burning. The fire was all around her. She was as hot as the sun, but in her heart burned something more powerful- the ability to act in spite of the terror that surrounded her. Hareleap dipped his head as she blinked back to the clearing, the flames fading from her vision.

...To Be Continued...

truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
and faith, I think faith is having a reason

[[:ripples:]]

♥ Sundapple, deputy of windclan

“SUNDAPPLE, OUR TIME TOGETHER was cut short when I was taken.” The deputy looked down at Gorsepaw, her former apprentice, still long and lean and lanky as she had been all those moons ago. Gorsepaw’s disappearance had been a mystery- no one knew what had happened to her, only that she did not return. To see her in StarClan still so young confirmed the worst, and Sundapple felt her face grow hot with rage not only at the one who had brought harm to her apprentice, but also anger at herself for not being able to protect her young charge. She had never let go of the feeling that she could have stopped what happened to her apprentice. “I know that you feel badly for my disappearance, and I know my presence here must stir up the memories of that hardship. I cannot say that I would not change things if I could. It was my dream to be a warrior.” The she-cat smiled sadly and flicked her ears, and Sundapple felt her heart ache for the young life that had been taken from them.

”WITH THIS LIFE, I give you Forgiveness- grace for those who have wronged, in small ways or large. I give you second chances. I give you the ability to mend bridges burned. Most of all, I give you the ability to forgive not only the transgressions of others, but also the ability to forgive yourself. Even with all the certainty in the world, you will make mistakes. You must accept your own imperfections and show yourself the grace that you would extend to those dear to you. You must own the consequences of your decisions so that you can correct them, but do not dwell on your missteps. Let your leadership bring an era of understanding and forgiveness to the forest.” As Gorsepaw reached up to touch her nose, a shock of agony flashed though her, her body torn and bleeding, her mind swimming with pain and confusion and desperation and grief. A second wave of torture crashed over her, this time the deep ache of a heart knowing that it will lose those it loves, the smarting absence of something once held so dear, worse than the affliction on the body. The feeling hung there, throbbing in her heart and her head, until, slowly, it began to ebb like the tide, and a new feeling of calm and peace washed over her, cooling her mind, bringing peace to her heart. A sense of acceptance filled her as her breaths began to slow. She blinked her eyes open and looked into Gorsepaw’s wise golden gaze. The she-cat, so young, had so much wisdom to offer.

THE SMALLEST SHAPE stepped forward. Owlkit, Duskfeather’s littermate, just as small as she remembered him. The brightness of his eyes now was a stark difference from the last image of him she held in her mind, his mousey-brown body stiff and curled in a nest in the medicine cat’s den, as if in an eternal, breathless sleep. She did not believe that Duskfeather had ever really forgiven herself for Owlkit’s death after the two of them fell into the river when they snuck out of camp. They had been mere children, but the event had broken their family apart. He beamed at her just as he had when he was alive, so many seasons ago.

“SUNDAPPLE, I KNEW YOU only briefly in life, but I have watched you and Duskfeather mend the broken parts of our family. Please tell Duskfeather that it was not her fault, never her fault, and that she must forgive herself for what happened. I regret that I could not spend my life with the two of you, but that was not the path the stars planned for me.” He looked back at their parents, who smiled down at him warmly. “With this life, I give you an Open Heart. With the task set before you, you must have courage and resolve, and you will be called upon to pardon those who have hurt you. As you do this difficult work, you must keep your heart open to others. Find strength in vulnerability. Allow your heart to be your guide in what you do. Do not shy away from the pain of feeling deeply, of loving deeply, for it is deep love that brings the most meaningful change. May you always lead with a heart open to love and possibility, even when you are buffeted by the winds of conflict and loss.” She knelt to touch his nose as he reached up to meet her. The life sprang into her with a boundless energy, the feeling of possibility behind every bush and over every hill, the exuberance of knowing that you are interconnected with the world in ways not truly understood. She felt waves of pain, of hurt, of disappointment wash over her, and allowed each to enter and overwhelm her before they faded into the background. “I wish I could have grown up with you, but one day, long in the future, we will all be together again.” He touched her nose again before stepping back slightly to sit in front of their parents’ paws. Both cats had their eyes fixed on Sundapple.

...To Be Continued...

oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
and hurt, I know you're hurting but so am I

[[:ripples:]]

♥ Sundapple, deputy of windclan

THEY HARDLY SEEMED REAL, sitting a tail-length away from her, gazing back. They were as young and vigorous as she remembered them- her mother, Raincloud, small in frame like herself, with the same tabby markings that had been passed on to Sundapple, but with a brighter pelt made of embers. Hailstorm, her father, tall and handsome, with a pelt so dark and earthy it was nearly black, and a streak of white up his belly. The sage eyes that he had passed down to her settled warmly on her as he and her mother took a moment to look at what she had become. Their eyes were bright again, like they had been before Owlkit died. She felt a pang in her heart as she realized how long it had been since she had seen her parents. They had died when she and Duskfeather were so young, and she felt the empty space where her parents might have been ache with the sense of loss. Her mother stepped forward first.

“SUNDAPPLE, FROM THE MOMENT you were born, you have never ceased to amaze us. You are so thoughtful, so kind, so genuine. Watching you grow up was the greatest joy of our lives. We had no idea how you would change our lives for the better.” Her mother sniffed a bit, and Hailstorm pressed his head against Raincloud’s. A tear ran down her mother’s cheek. “We are sorry we left the way we did, Sundapple. It must have been so hard for you and Duskfeather. We should have been stronger.” She settled herself before Sundapple could speak.

“SUNDAPPLE, WITH THIS LIFE I give you Compassion. You have never lacked compassion for others- it is one of your defining qualities. As you seek to change the forest for the better, it will take compassion to forgive those who have hurt you and those you love of their faults, and compassion to create a better future. Most importantly, though, I give you compassion for yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend. Treat yourself the way I would treat you. Soothe yourself when kindness when you feel you have fallen short, and know that you are a work in progress. May your leadership be defined by your compassion for both yourself and others as you work to bring the clans together once more.” Her mother leaned forward and the life rushed into her, not gentle and careful but fierce and strong. She felt the deep love of a mother for her kits, of a warrior for her clan, as a leader for her warriors. The kind of love that motivates change. The love that makes you shout in the street until things have changed, that makes you break the rules that are wrong, that makes you race into fire to save those you care for and those you don’t. It seared through her until she could feel the heat reverberating off of her, as though in misty rays. Finally, her father smiled and caught her gaze.

“SUNDAPPLE. YOU ARE THE LIGHT of our lives. We must have known it when we named you, for your light shines as bright and warm as the sun in the sky. You have given us more joy than you can imagine, both during our lives and after. You kids remain our greatest accomplishment and our greatest treasure.” Hailstorm smiled down at Owlkit, who responded by headbutting his father playfully. Her father’s eyes swam with emotion as he gazed back at her, and she thought back to their walks together, him training her on different techniques for hunting and fighting- he had always been a good teacher.

“SUNDAPPLE, WITH THIS LIFE, I give you Gratitude. Gratitude for when things are going well and you have everything you need, and gratitude for the small things. May you remember even when things are going wrong and everything seems to fall apart to find what you are grateful for, and cherish it. You have been called to lead in a difficult time, from the troubles up here to the terror of losing so many clan cats to capture. You must remember to count your blessings, and hold on to that which is dear to you. May your leadership be an example to others of gratitude for those around you and the blessings you have received, and generosity of spirit to all around you. With this gift, may you lead our clan into a new day, in which peace may shine on us all.” He leaned forward to touch her nose and the life poured into her, warm and light and ever expanding. The sensation of being touched by light enveloped her entirely, and when she opened her eyes she realized that she herself was shining, rays of light dancing around her, golden like the sun.

...To Be Continued...

and love, if your wings are broken
borrow mine so yours can open too